I feel trapped! no I’m not yelling. Have you ever get a weird feeling in your body. in the center of your chest. it doesn’t hurt but, it’s uncomfortable? like anxiety,But Not? its like Being trapped in this state of existing, with no way out of it I feel like i am frozen and I know i can do something to change it but, my Mind is holding in place filling my body with doubts. for years, even when i was a little girl, I always had this sad thoughts, that i couldn’t do it because , I wasn’t good enough, or I couldn’t do it, Fear of Failing. Having a learning Disability , made my self esteem low. Scared of what people thought of me. Having Dyslexia and Dyscalculia, made my Academic hard on me. I have a low IQ , that is what i think , I can’t think fast like most people. I can’t do Multiplications and Divisions in my head, have the answer on the spot. simple math is even difficult. I know you are thinking Pathetic Retard. I try to hide that i was in Special Ed class. because I didn’t/Don’t want to be associated with them. I Don’t think i am a Idiot , I know what is going around me, or what you want to call it. I am Scared of People. I want to be so well liked by people, and I don’t want to be judged , at some point i isolated myself. well With the help of my mother. she never let go anywhere with friends growing up that often. That now as a Adult I am Hiding at home . I have Social Anxiety , and General Anxiety disorder . That is my own Diagnoses. Depression for years . I self Harmed. Never Did Drugs , or drink really. I know I have alot of Mental disorders. I joke about having Misophonia which means I hate Sounds , like Chewing,or Scratches ,slurping . it’s loud to some people or irritating , it makes some people Furious , panic .I get annoyed when my Mom does it or my sister. but its not severe . another self diagnose .
at times i get that weird feeling in my chest , like anxiety but not. I feel impatient with myself and sadness, Helpless. of my life. and i wish i could time Travel , not to the future, because i don’t want to see how bad i turned out 10 years from now. but go back in time and start over . i don’t know ask my parents to put in a different school district, or actually did something when some one bullied me. or Be more rebellious as a child to do something with my life, be a kid. Maybe went to a different high school. I feel like i am running out of TIME. its like the Hour Glass from Wizard of Oz , and life is the sand and i am losing time, I am stuck but the time is still running.
have you had a dream, of stilling going to high school after you graduate . well I started having them right after graduation. Missing the school bus, and taking classes . at age 18 , then another dream i am 21-22 and still repeating senior year. Because I missed out . i feel guilty and i wish life was different. i want to go back make up for the times , that i couldnt take.
I know there isn’t a time travel machine . but sometimes i wish there were.
I want confidence , I don’t want to hide from people, hide from people questions of what i am doing with my life. or cry when someone hurts my feelings, or says “Pathetic” or w.e remark . that should upset me. because it hits so close to home. because when people joke about something that i think labels me, that i think is who i am . It hurts because i know that i am all these things the stereotype, i am a loser . it does hurt to know the truth . it hurts that people think of me that way , but worst is that i think of myself as that. The Truth hurts more than the Lies .
I never could lie to myself. I couldn’t pretend I’m above someone or think highly of myself . Because Inside i know the Truth. i know when i am lying and i can’t lie to myself. or to others . My Guilt eats at me . and i would have to live with it.
anyway i am going now